House of Wolves - A Power Couple's Playbook

Married To A Hater: Decoding Relationship Triggers and Patterns

November 27, 2023 Randy & Mary Vasquez Episode 5
House of Wolves - A Power Couple's Playbook
Married To A Hater: Decoding Relationship Triggers and Patterns
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Ever caught yourself secretly hating your partner's habits? We've all been there! Join our candid conversation, where my wife and I reveal how we've managed the undercurrents of anger and resentment in our own marriage. We share the raw truths, the hurdles, and the breakthroughs, opening up about how the birth of our second child reframed our perspectives and redefined our relationship dynamics.

Switching gears, we also discuss how you can manage expectations and overcome insecurities in your relationship. Learn how open communication and self-awareness can turn around conflicts and strengthen your bond. We share practical advice on identifying triggers and maintaining a record to better understand patterns in your relationship. And remember, it's not about avoiding disagreements, but about cultivating understanding and mercy. So, tune in for a heart-to-heart chat on navigating love through layers of loathing. It's a conversation you won't want to miss!

Want to join in the conversation? Subscribe to The Broke Millionaire Youtube channel or follow Randy and Mary on Instagram. You can also check out their luxury & exotic vehicle rental service at howmotorsluxe.com, and elevate your side-hustle education at The Broke Millionaire Academy.

To watch our episodes please subscribe to The Broke Millionaire Youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvci4bqKjDE&list=PLh_N9FtZhe5qF453HxF7SbrKqLg1D2PBT

Follow Randy on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/thebrokemillionaire_/
Follow Mary on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/mary__mar/

Join The Broke Millionaire Academy to begin/further your side-hustle education. Courses and Life Coaching all available at https://the-broke-millionaire-academy.teachable.com/

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Speaker 1:

Absolutely love to hate on Randy.

Speaker 2:

Oh, we live, we live. Welcome to the House of Wolves podcast, the power couple edition. I promise you I'll get it right. I'm joined by my number one hater, my wife. It's the reason I said that today we're gonna talk about Living with a hater. That's our topic today.

Speaker 1:

I like it and it was totally my idea and I absolutely Love to hate on Randy, absolutely no, I gotta take a back. So Back in the day, right, we always take it back to those days, because those are those days are so fundamental for us. They, they made us like we raised each other through this marriage and five years from now.

Speaker 2:

We're gonna be talking about this time too, so exactly so, anyway.

Speaker 1:

So at some point I realized that I had a trend and I just didn't know whether this connect was with you and we couldn't figure it out. Sure, many fights later, I actually had an epiphany, one that's a long ago More than a year, but not too long ago and I was like babe, I think I have to apologize for something. And I came clean and I was like, hey, honestly, I feel like I've been Hating our new ever since we got together, sometimes more so than others.

Speaker 2:

So funny because the whole time I'm thinking to myself, I knew that already.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, well, how are you gonna say that now?

Speaker 2:

I like on our, I knew that because how many times will we fight over stupid shit? I'm like yo, why you mad that I'm going to the fucking gym like what's the problem bro?

Speaker 1:

Like, like a little stupid shit.

Speaker 2:

I'm like. You know there's a fucking hater, bro Like.

Speaker 1:

My two. You never used to say that to my face. So I live in a place of like Okay well, you just went yesterday To the gym you know, because I was the gym like once every three weeks, so this was irregular to me. So anyway, in a nutshell, I was the one that had an epiphany one day and I actually had a realization about how I continuously Was hating on Randy. Randy would get on On a on a diet. I would like downplay it. I'm like, oh, that's a fat diet, what are you doing? How does that even healthy? Yeah and just like kind of sadder trying to sabotage it like baby, let's order some food or his other shit. Yeah, and it wasn't like about and, by the way, the diet's not like a manner. I think it's really like. Ever since I've met Randy, randy has always been on a regimented macros. Some kind of observing some kind of diet and they're called diets, when you observe a certain type of eating plan, and it didn't matter what kind it was, I was always there to hate.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely, that shit tastes like nothing. Always make yes, but it wasn't about just the food. Right.

Speaker 1:

It was about other aspects in our marriage that I would hate on.

Speaker 2:

Right right?

Speaker 1:

Um, I'm sorry that you were the victim of my hate.

Speaker 2:

But it came.

Speaker 1:

No, I really am I. I had a realization of how bad it was and I think I hate on my. Well, I don't worry enough when it sucks with those pants. Don't you want to wear a white beater under that shirt?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I wear socks, bro. Everybody fucking says they're like.

Speaker 1:

They're like.

Speaker 2:

That's what they're called. I can hate her easy. That's hating right there. No, you're right and I appreciate you coming to me with that and kind of talking about it when we did right, because it was a Realization for me too, because I actually took a step back and I sort of think it to myself like have I ever done that to you Right? Have I ever? And I have right, and I can name a situation where for some time, I kind of hated unconsciously, I guess I would say right, because we were in a point of our lives where we just had our baby right, our first born and we were getting ready to have our second one right, and you were home. Right, we made the decision for you to quit corporate America and for you to stay home and focus on trying to be an entrepreneur and focus on the kids and focus on building the other side of our lives. And I was working very hard. I was up early, I was traveling, I was tired a lot of times and I would call home and I'm like what are you doing? I was sleeping. I'm like what the fuck? I wish I was sleeping and I felt like I was also hating on your lifestyle and the things that you were doing secretly on my side where I was kind of pissed off about it. That's the definition of hate. So I also had that epiphany in times. There has been those times right, you talked about dieting and all that right. There's times that you eat whatever the hell you want and nothing happens to you, right, you just stay the same. And I'm like yo, what the fuck? If I look at a candy bar, I lose my abs or whatever, or you break out. Or I break out or some shit happens to me where I'm like, damn, she could do whatever the fuck she wants. It's fucked up and that's hate right, but you do it unconsciously, not knowing and not really thinking about that that could potentially be you hating on your partner. That's the reason why we're calling this right Living with a hater.

Speaker 1:

Right, and it goes far beyond that, and I think what you were trying to get to was the fact that, after some mild hate because it wasn't as bad as mine you also had an epiphany. And what was that epiphany?

Speaker 2:

That I'm a hater.

Speaker 1:

Yes. Well, what Randy didn't say is the fact that his realization came well after my second born came into the picture, and Randy was actually more present to witness the dynamics at home. Yeah, that's true About what were the? Well, anybody out there that would know about having a number at home. You understand that it's a 20 hour a day job and you sleep when you can. You take naps at 11 o'clock in the morning, or at least you try taking another nap at three or, whenever possible, whenever the baby slept, you're actually doing other things like pumping or whatnot. So literally I was probably awake 20 hours a day and sleeping four, and it just so happened that you were freaking call when I was just waking up from a freaking nap and I think that when Randy came forward and actually talked to me about this, about how I guess unjust the silent resentment was, it was really eye opening because I had no idea you were feeling that way and when you would come home, tired, right. You know, randy traveled, sometimes extensively, from one trip he had to go to another and sometimes it would be a whole week and I didn't see you and I was home with either a leg row or two babies and I was just like literally waiting for you, like like a puppy, like okay.

Speaker 2:

I'm just, the kids are ready.

Speaker 1:

I have a whole backpack ready, let's go. Okay, it's time to go now. And all you wanted to do was just like, be home, be with your girls, you know, watch TV with me, like order some food. And I'm like, nah, bro, like I'm tired of being in here, like get me out. Let's go out right now.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, no, I get it in that. But again to your point, I didn't, I didn't know that, right, and I didn't know what you were dealing with her, you didn't know what I was dealing with. So we were secretly like hating on each other without knowing exactly really what was happening, right? And I think what that causes, you know, toxic, toxic, toxic toxicity, that exactly in our relationship, right? Because then now we start taking it personal, right. Now we start taking things personal. Now we start kind of going at each other, attacking each other, because I'm not really communicating to you why I'm upset, you're really not communicating to me why you're upset and we're not really diagnosing like, hey, what's really going on here? And let's have this conversation so we can iron it out and kind of say, hey, listen, yeah, I'm traveling and that sounds cool, but when I'm traveling I'm fucking tired. I'm going different places, I'm working on, you know, whatever the different time zones. There was a lot that was wrapped into it. That sounds great on the surface, right, and similar to you, you being home to me sounded great on the surface, but not really knowing exactly what was going on in the household, right?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it was. It was literally like bananas. And now that we look at it and this is only like one example of so many, there are so many situations that I can look now and be like Wow are you serious, mary, like I would hate on Randy like um, dressing up. I remember that we were kind of strapped, you know, we had a lot of bills, especially when I was like home and we lost that one income and Randy's like dry cleaning was so expensive and I was just like, well, why you got to wear that. Like don't you wear sweaters.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Like what happens to these days, when you just dress down a little bit and I would even hate on the things that you would wear, just because you know subconsciously I just missed being out. And about getting cute dressing up, you know doing my hair and all that, Not that I couldn't at home, but for why I was like I like spit on like in two minutes, yeah, and I think what you know we've gotten to, which is good and I think, the message of this one is right is that it is difficult when you're living with somebody who is essentially hating on you, right?

Speaker 2:

It causes a lot of the problems within the marriage. It causes a lot of problems within business, right.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

And it could be far across the board, from marriage to business, to any type of relationship you have. Right, If you have that kind of secret, unconscious I would say right Hate for somebody and what they're doing, I think that can cause so many problems and for us we're fortunate that we got to the point where we've identified them and now we're able to kind of think through it and say you know, why am I really upset about that? Yeah, why am I upset that she's doing something for herself?

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Why does that bother me? Why does that bother me that she stayed in bed when I was up at 4 am? Yeah, that has nothing to do with me, right? Why does that bother me that she went out with her friend and whatever it might, be right, that shouldn't bother me. And if it does, then I have to assess to myself and say, hey, why is that happening? And a hundred percent of the time is because of your own insecurities, right, and you know, you made a good example around, like the gym. The gym was one. When we dissect that and we talk about that, it's kind of like you weren't going and you wanted to go, right, so for you me going it was kind of like, oh shit, you wanted to do that. Right, you had your own insecurities.

Speaker 1:

You had the energy.

Speaker 2:

Exactly, yeah, but I'm saying it was a point of it.

Speaker 1:

No, no, no no, no, no, no, no no.

Speaker 2:

So I think you know, if you take a step back again and I've said that a lot in doing our, our, our episodes you take a step back, right, you, you, you identify hey, this is what's happening, this is how I'm feeling, why am I feeling this way? And you're able to kind of identify that, and then you can address it and you're dressed it by having that simple conversation and you know communication with your partner. Say, listen, I'm feeling this way. When you do X, y and Z, I think that it could be because I don't have that same kind of ability or opportunity. Therefore, I need that in my life, right, and you assess that, and you assess your insecurities and then you try to address them.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and I think that it also goes in hand with laying out the right expectations. I think that communication has been such a lifesaver for us because, even though it is not perfect, so we still stress that fact that we still need to get better. And I think that laying out expectations about your lifestyle even if you take on a new hobby like you're throwing in something completely new to the routine that you have with your partner it is important that if we're going to take time away from our routine, that's the time that we spend together as a family, as a couple, that we talk to each other. Like you cannot just expect somebody to just be okay with that. Maybe you know you're taking away personal time because now this person has a bigger load to cover while you're gone doing something, and I think that is. It goes in hand with a lot of the conversations that I've had with people. I know it's like, well, I fucking hate it when my husband goes out, always with his boys or whatever it might be.

Speaker 2:

Every wife hates her husband.

Speaker 1:

My husband, you know but there's a lot of complaints that go into that and it's just there's always like an underlying, like source and it was like well, why I don't think you hate that. He's out with his friends. You know his friends, you love them all, you host them you treat them as them. But it's probably the fact that you're probably not making time to go out with your girls. You know what I mean. It happened to us Like I would spend like three, four months and I'm like okay, you know like I don't want to. I don't want. I just want to be home with the babies. You know I don't want to bother anybody. I don't feel like crossing the bridge and sometimes, like I said, you know, it comes from a point of insecurity, sometimes even like just personal, like neglect, like I don't want to put myself together and go out. I feel insecure or whatever it is. So I guess I'm like something about upon my words. Like you said, it's an insecurity thing, an underlying source. It's not really hate towards your partner, because nobody wants to hate the person.

Speaker 2:

Right.

Speaker 1:

You're hating the activity and you're associating it's. It's rising an emotion within you.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And that is something that needs to be explored.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and addressed, and then I would say on the opposite side, right, so I don't want to neglect that point, right, when you're the person that's being hated on, right, not not allowing that to really stop you from doing the things you're doing. So, for instance, again we'll go back to it, right, whether it's your career or whatever it is, or going out with your boys, or whatever. It's, it's, it's part of stuff that you want to do, and just because the other person is mad at it, it shouldn't stop you. Because you know, if you're, if you're a kind person, nice person and you love your significant other, your first inclination is like damn, she, you know she doesn't want me to go out. Or like, ok, shit, I might not, but yeah, maybe I'll stay, and. But then you're stopping yourself when, in essence, it really has nothing to do with you, right? You're stopping doing the things that you love, the things that you want to do, the things that make you happy, just because somebody else is unhappy, just because somebody else is insecure and that I think is, is, is a recipe for disaster. It's toxic, it talks yeah, and both I can't even say the words. They don't think it's a wine Me drink that.

Speaker 1:

Keep drinking.

Speaker 2:

But I think it's, it's that point right. So for me, a lot of the times when we were going through these these phases where you would say, hey, let's order some food, and I'm like, bro, I'm not, not, don't want it, but, ok, sure, let's do that, right, I would kind of give them to those things and I would be like OK, or when you know I would travel and that's. That's another one right, and I think we've talked about this. When I was travel and I'm like shit, I literally finished my meeting at three o'clock. I'm like rushing to get to the airport for a four o'clock flight when I could have took the six o'clock right and I could have been more calm because I'm thinking oh shit, you know she's gonna be upset that I've been traveling, that I haven't been home, right? So those points I'm making it worse on myself just because you know your other person has that insecurity. So I think my message is to that one person that's you know being hated on is to really take a look at that and tell yourself hey, are you really doing something that's wrong? And if you're not and it's that thing that you're doing is making you happy and you're not harming anybody then you know you have to take a stand and continue to do that and also open up the conversation with the other person, say listen, this is what I'm feeling, this is what's happening. Is there something going on here?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and I think that having that dialogue and you can do an assessment just by going through your day to days. I once was talking to a friend and I said hey, listen, just journal, or like take a calendar and just jot down the things that are triggering in the relationship. When you complete your 30 days, you'll be able to see what's jumping on you, the things that you guys are fighting about, and address them. More than likely is not about the activity, it's probably about the underlying cause of it, just like you said, about just coming to terms and, you know, having that conversation with your partner. I think I'm going to fall back on my favorite term that I always throw in the episode and it just always comes as a coincidence mercy. Yeah, you know. So from the giving end, you gave the recipient, and I think that as partners, we just really have to be responsible and have this awareness of always, always being merciful towards our partners. I love you before I hate you. You know what I mean and when you think of the positivity and think with love before they hate, I think it is easier to understand One of the things that were happening to you when you were traveling that long, which you know ignited this conversation was the fact that you were eating like shit on the road Fast food if you had to drive in between distances, you were just like eating crappy food. You know, just just not good for you and your health. When you would get home, I wanted you know to go. I wanted the crappy food because I was, like tired of eating whatever was available at home and that would promote you to go to the gym. Pull doubles.

Speaker 2:

What the?

Speaker 1:

fuck. Like what's going on with you, Like don't you want to be here and spend time with me?

Speaker 2:

That's really how the fun it is.

Speaker 1:

It's really it's true, and all this would have been avoided if I would have just taken a step back.

Speaker 2:

Right.

Speaker 1:

And I think that that happens in a lot of relationships and you know, and I apologize for not- having that mercy, thinking about your wellness and your mental, because it was all about your mental health. Like Randy goes to the gym, he's like an angel walking around here. So, after the gym so. I need you to always take care of yourself. I always encourage Randy now to spend time with his friends. Just go get lost. I appreciate what you have to do.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, he, that was one out this weekend. I Always just bring me something.

Speaker 1:

It's okay. You know, food is my love language.

Speaker 2:

If you bring me back a taco like I'll be happy.

Speaker 1:

No, no, no. But honestly, like you know, it hasn't always been this way and, trust me, I had a million insecurities, you know, like I just had Everything about the relationship scared me, being a new parent. Like did he bump into his ex-girlfriend at the restaurant? I mean, I don't know, it's just crazy things.

Speaker 2:

So yeah, so I'm just happy that is not even so sorry to jump in there right and just to close this episode out right with Insecurities, is a big thing of why that contributes to hate, right? Absolutely I think none of the ten times it is that right. So there's that portion right, but I think also there's times that just happen because you're thinking, you're thinking it personally, you're thinking that the other person is doing things on purpose, right, that the other person is going out just because they want not to be home not to be home or whatever the case is, depending on what's going on in your marriage or your relationship. You know you're thinking that that person is trying to do things in spite, right, that also happens, and it happens not as often as the insecurity part at least from our experience but it does happen to right. So I think that's also another point too, that you have to kind of watch and and make sure that you are again Assessing yourself and you understand what's happening and you're having that conversation with the other person. Again, it goes back to communication. It goes back to being honest, to be open, to be able to have that dialogue With the intention of look, here's what I'm feeling, here's what's happening. How do we make this better? Yeah, right, how do we get this better? How do we? What do you need from me? How do I help you? How do you help me? Right, how do we both make each other happy? And this is what gives me happiness, what gives you happiness. So let's do that, right, yeah, so I think it's having that open dialogue is what I'll leave everybody with. So with that We'll end this episode. This was nice, this was short, to the point. Living with the hater everybody listen. I still live with one every single day. Wow but I love her to death and that's how I'll end it to the next one. I don't know if I'll make it to the next one, but cheers to that.

Speaker 1:

I hate you bro.

Living With a Hater
Managing Expectations and Overcoming Insecurities
Building Relationships Through Communication and Insecurities